The Silencing Power of Shame

Hello, I’m Dr Connie Kerali. A daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunty and friend. I’ve worked as a medical doctor for over 15 years and I’m a certified coach and clinical hypnotherapist. I have a BSc (Hons) in International Health and an MSc in Public Health.

In the Summer of 2015, I became a survivor of rape.

"Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it…when we invariably do experience shame, judgement, and blame we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough.”

Brené Brown

Why Now?

Before I delve further into my story, I want to put into context why I’m sharing what happened to me now. In the Summer of 2024, in the British news, more information was coming out about the abuse some contestants experienced whilst training with their dance partners on the popular family show, Strictly Come Dancing. I recall reading comments on the social media pages of those involved, with some questioning why nothing was said at the time and stating that it couldn't be true as the contestants involved looked happy.

It made me think about my own situation. How shame silenced me. How not even my closest family or friends could tell that anything was wrong. After many years of healing, I was ready to share my story with my family, and now with you.

Yes, this is a story about shame, but it is also a story about healing, and how the antidote to shame is connection.

Spot the Difference

These photos are both of me in the Summer of 2015. Can you notice anything different in my appearance? Yes, the outfits aren't the same but to me, I see the same smile, the same appearance of happiness. Would it surprise you to know that the photo on the left was taken 6 days before I was raped and the photo on the right, 2 days after? Shame had silenced me by that point and at the time I believed that the best course of action was to get on with my life as if nothing had happened. These photos serve as a stark reminder that we never really know what's going on in the minds of others, even those closest to us.

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always."

Brad Meltzer

Over my 15+ years as a doctor, I have supported many women who have experienced domestic or sexual violence. I have listened to their stories and offered support and guidance in an empathetic, compassionate and non-judgmental way. Despite being able to help other women in this way, when I experienced sexual violence, I recall blaming myself and feeling ashamed. There was also the fear of potentially having to go to court and be cross-examined and having it be my word against his. Silence felt like the best option for me and I know this is the case for a lot of women. 

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists – It’s so easy to keep us quiet.”

Brené Brown

A Moment of Inspiration

Fast forward 3 years to September 2018.

“I am here today not because I want to be. I am terrified. I am here because I believe it is my civic duty to tell you what happened to me…”

Professor Christine Blasey Ford’s opening statement to the Senate Judiciary Committee, 27th September 2018

When I heard Christine Blasey Ford's testimony at the Senate Judiciary Committee in September 2018, I was inspired by her courage. The memories of what happened to me had started to resurface around the time of the Me Too movement, but it was Ford's courage that spoke to me. Three days later, I reported the rape to the police.

Here's to the women who came before us - whose courage inspires others.
May we know them.
May we be them.
May we raise them.

My twist on the Strong Women quote by Amy Rees Anderson

Things Fall Apart

After reporting the rape to the police, I felt empowered...for all of 5 seconds! Then it hit me like a wave, all of the emotions that I'd suppressed over the years came flooding back and I had no idea how to handle them. I soon realised that working as a doctor in a busy central London general practice, helping manage the problems in my patient's lives, was becoming increasingly draining as I struggled with the emotional turmoil in my own.

It was at that point that I reached out to a friend, under the guise of wanting to discuss leaving my job, but eventually confiding in him what had happened to me. It was the first of many vulnerable conversations with friends and then family members over the years.

Every time I opened up to someone, I felt a little lighter.

The game changer for me, however, was having therapy. Once I found a therapist that I connected with (and I'd like to acknowledge at this point that I was in a fortunate position to be able to pay to have therapy privately), I was able to share my story with her, understand why I struggled to open up to others about what happened, and start my healing journey in earnest. I thought that I could self-help my way out of trauma, but the antidote to my shame, was connection.

Shame Resilience

So, what can be done to let go of shame? In Brené Brown’s must-read book, 'Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead', she writes about The Four Elements of Shame Resilience. Firstly, do you recognise when you're experiencing shame? Are you aware of what your triggers around shame are? For some it may be intimacy, or body image, or perhaps money, or educational attainment, and so on.

Next, can you be critically aware when you're experiencing shame? I mentioned earlier that just after being raped, I blamed myself for what happened. I did not have the critical awareness at that point to tell myself that it wasn't my fault.

So, if a person experiences shame for whatever reason, and they believe at their core that they themselves are to blame, then how can shame resilience be developed? That's where connection comes in. Reaching out to a close friend or relative, a healthcare professional, or whomever you trust, has the potential to be an important step on the healing journey. Then finally, speaking shame is about saying how you feel and asking for what you need when you experience shame.

Finding My Why

I hope by sharing my story, those of you who have unfortunately experienced something similar will feel less alone, and for others I hope it provides an understanding for why some women will choose to stay silent after experiencing sexual violence. For me, my story has become my purpose. I want to build a safe space where women feel free to speak openly about shame for whatever reason that they've experienced it with the hope that by sharing as many inspiring conversations with remarkable women who have overcome shame, shame itself will lose its power.

Thank you for reading my story to its conclusion, and thank you for being part of this community.

Helpful Resources

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised, the following services may be of service:

·      In an emergency, dial 999; for non-emergencies, dial 101 (UK only)

·      Search for 'NHS Sexual Assault Referral Centre' (England only)

·      Search for 'Talking Therapy' along with your location in the UK to access free, NHS therapy.

If you’re tired of feeling like you’re not worthy of love or belonging, or feeling like you’re not enough – not attractive enough, smart enough, slim enough, young enough, accomplished enough – then download my free Remarkable Woman Workbook and begin your journey to letting go of shame and rediscovering your self-worth.