"I'm Not Attracted To You"

Hello Remarkable Woman,

I’m Dr Connie Kerali – a medical doctor with over 15 years’ experience, an empowerment coach & clinical hypnotherapist, and a survivor of sexual violence. Welcome to Speak Shame: The Blog that’s on a mission to share over 100,000 inspiring stories from remarkable women who have overcome shame and transformed it into strength.

Dating Shame

For most of my 30s, as my friends began to get married and then start families, I was still struggling to get past a 3rd date. I started to believe that there was something wrong with me. With every failed date, I was convinced it was because I wasn't perfect enough - not slim enough, not attractive enough, not interesting enough, or smart enough.

Not worthy of love.

“I’m not attracted to you”

The final blow came when someone I was dating spoke his truth and told me that he wasn't attracted to me. It was particularly painful because he had seen me without my wig on which I rarely ever did at the time as I was so self-conscious about my alopecia. I was devastated and it felt like confirmation of my negative self-limiting beliefs.

This moment, however, was a turning point. The start of a new chapter in my life. A chapter I shall call, Reclaimging My Self-Worth.

Reclaiming My Self-Worth

After being in floods of tears in the wake of being told by the guy I was dating that they weren't attracted to me, it suddenly dawned on me - yes, what he said was upsetting, but what was worse was that I believed it. It was the realisation that the only person that I truly needed to convince that I am enough, that I am worthy of love and belonging, is myself.

Here's where the chapter gets good: I spoke to close friends and my therapist about what had happened so that I wasn't going through it alone. Remember: connection is the antidote to shame. I started listening to a self-worth hypnosis audio on repeat, and then I took action. I changed my Bumble dating profile pic to one without my wig on. It was a crash course in self-love. A fake it 'til you make it type scenario.

And finally, something inside me started to shift. My mindset changed from trying to be 'perfect' when dating, to ‘what values am I looking for in a partner?’, and ‘does this person have them?’. Instead of me waiting to see what direction a guy would take the relationship, like a passenger on a plane, I became the co-pilot. I would ask the difficult questions. I would speak my truth. I would call an end to dates where our values weren't aligned, where communication was poor, or when I felt like I wasn't respected. I started to believe in my worth.

If I had to describe the change from feeling like I wasn't good enough to reclaiming my self-worth, I'd say it felt like coming home - coming home to myself. No longer trying to be someone that I'm not to seek the approval of others. No longer being a passenger in my own life. No longer aiming for perfection that doesn't exist. There's power to believing in your self-worth but it only came to me when I stopped internalising shame and released it instead.

What have your relationships taught you about your self-worth? Do you feel like a passenger or a co-pilot in your relationships? If you have a journal, perhaps write down what comes to mind.

If you’re tired of feeling like you’re not worthy of love or belonging, or feeling like you’re not enough – not attractive enough, smart enough, slim enough, young enough, accomplished enough – then download my free Remarkable Woman Workbook and begin your journey to letting go of shame and rediscovering your self-worth.